Medamn.

I rang God the other day. Peter, his receptionist, answered the phone. 

- Hi and welcome to the Heaven Call Center– an affiliate of Heaven Incorporated, this is Peter, how may I direct your call?

-God please.

-I’m sorry but he’s busy at the moment.

-It’s important.

-It always is sir.

-Is there any way I could speak with him?

- Sir, He only has a few celestial hours, and we are far behind in production for the day. Can this wait until you join us?

-Probably not, I’m an atheist.

-Oh that’s too bad. We’ve got a special place for you little devils. (He paused) Get it? Devils.

-Yeah. I got it.

-I’m kidding, everybody gets to enjoy the splendor of Heaven. We are an equal opportunity afterlife. Jews, Muslims, Christians, Mormons, even devil-worshippers are allowed in, though they are usually upset about the décor. Can you hold?
Before I could answer piped in music began playing in the receiver. It sounded like a Benedictine Monk mash up with Miles Davis and Jimmy Hendrix. Peter’s voice cut back in.

-Good news! He’ll take the call.

-Perfect. Thank you.

-No problem. See you in 5 years.

-What?

The phone rang, pounding an African rhythm of reverberation. The ringing stopped but no sound. A meager hello crept from my lips. I tried again, but still no answer from Heaven. I sat dumbfounded; had Peter played a trick on me? Then a voice materialized.

- Atheists, so easy: is he there, is he not there, I was so sure before!

- You got me.

- Not impressed?

- Just seems like a stupid trick coming from the most powerful being in the Universe.

- I didn’t have to take this call, especially not from an atheist; it’s better to keep your old customers than to find new ones you know. 

- I didn’t realize life was a business venture.

- Are you kidding me? The more humans I get, the more money I’m going to make on this bet.

- I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.

- You’re human; it happens. 

- Ouch.
    
- I float like an angel and sting like a plague.

-  Colloquialisms– not what I would expect from the all powerful in the Universe.

- I can speak every language ever read, written, spoken or danced. If I want to shoot the shit with you, then I’m gonna shoot the shit with you. Period. You were so wrong.

- Clearly.

- No, no about the universe thing. I only have jurisdiction over this section of the galaxy.

- You didn’t create the universe?

- You’re kidding right?

- Not kidding.

- You think one guy could have done all that? Especially if I made YOU into my image. You think YOU could create the whole universe?

- No.

- Then what makes you think I can?

- I don’t, but there people down here that wouldn’t agree with me.

- Let me lay it down for you.

-Please.

-Listen.

God stopped speaking. I strained to hear, my breath bated, but no sound. I look checked the receiver, the cord, but still no sound. Finally he spoke.

- You get all that?

- Get all what? It was just silence.

- I just told you.

- I swear to, well you, I didn’t hear anything.

- You didn’t? Really?

- Really.

Again the voice snuffed out. Then came a booming laugh.

- I know. I’m just fucking with you. Medamn you humans are gullible.  Ok here’s the story: I created Earth and its outlier planets. I went with the one sun model over binary because I didn’t want to deal with balancing the planets in a dual gravity, and I knew a bi-solar system would make you look all-weird. Anyway, I’m tinkering with the planets when one of my buddies comes up and asks me if I want to be in the office pool. I was shy and new and wanted to make friends so I said sure. We walk into the meeting room where all the other Gods are talking about this bet and putting money in the pot, and I’m telling you this pot is huge. I’m talking, well, you wouldn’t understand. It’s cosmic money that we deal with in universal time, universal string theory, and black holes, hefty shit my creation.  I lay down a few bills before somebody says what the bet was outright. All we had to do was see how many of our creations we can get to live full and productive lives. Easy but I tell you what; you bastards just don’t want to work with me. Medamn semi-sentient monkeys.

- Wow.

- I went back to my desk, created your solar system then put some shit on Mars, and that was, well that’s a story for another day; then I started over on Earth with some bacterium.

- Evolution is true?

- Hell yeah.

- And what about the big bang.

- Not quite. It’s close though.

- Incredible.

- I guess.

- Hey, you said you messed up on Mars.

- Yeah, but I’m God.

- You’re right. I’m sorry.

- Way to be! Taking responsibility for shit. I like that.

-Thank you?

- If more humans did, you’d have a hell of an easier time.

- Really?

- Oh yeah.  If you’d own up to your actions, bear your falsehoods, and deceits without condemnation or incrimination of others, people probably wouldn’t commit so many harmful actions.  If you can’t be saved by me, what else are you gonna do except be good to your neighbor and treat people with respect and dignity no matter their race, creed, religion, political motivations, whatever.

- Amazing. 

- It takes time, it takes effort, but it’s absolutely worth it. Some things like who you were born to, your genes, shit like that, you can’t control, so don’t worry about it. Give all the human effort you can muster, and when you fail, don’t curse the world, or the unfairness of life.  Essentially, take control of your life, your destiny if you will, don’t be a casual passerby.

- I’ll do my best. Question.

- Sure.

- Do you want all this praise? Obviously you can’t be for every sports team, and award winner, and warrior and political candidate, and whoever else uses your name for their cause. And are you only on the victor’s side?  What about…?

- Whoa, slow down. Let me start with the first before you start firing off shit. Do I want all this praise? I didn’t create the galaxy for that now did I? I did it so that you could become happy, and productive, and civil to your fellow man. I’m not in the trenches of wartime with you. I’m not at your job interview, and I’m not on sports fields. I don’t condone the violence committed in my name, but I’m not gonna strike you down if you do. I set in motion nature for you to enjoy and relish, I set in motion women for men and, yes, lesbians to enjoy, I set in motion men for women and gay men to enjoy. Get the zest out of life. Don’t praise me every medamn day; enjoy each other’s companies, and do whatever makes you happy.  If praising me in church or praying makes you happy then go ahead, but I hate when people think they carry the ‘Almighty Right.’ I don’t meddle in people’s affairs; I set life in motion, and I laid the foundation for you to be happy, productive, and civil, and proud, responsible, and all the other virtues that make Man Man. That’s some impressive shit I set in motion. I didn’t make you; I just planted the seed. You don’t say, “I made this tree; I planted this seed.” You say, “I set this tree in motion”. And that’s exactly what I did. I think that answers both of your questions.

- Yeah. Wow. It did.

- Live your life. If you want to go to church, go ahead. If you want to worship the devil, go ahead, but stop all the conversion.  You can be right in your mind, and gut without having millions of people agree with you. It doesn’t make your argument right; it makes it popular. It’s a ploy to deceive the intellect. If you want to talk to them about it, have a discussion, please, by all means, but don’t assume that you are right and they are wrong.  Your planet has gray area; paradox.  That’s an edict we creators abide by don’t give them black and white, give them the mix. You don’t see two races; you see many. You don’t see two trees; you see many. You don’t see two dogs, cats, bugs, horse, pachyderm, invertebrates, vertebrates; you see many. Your fellow man makes or breaks you. I stay out of it.  I’ve moved onto creating new, varied worlds, in different universes, in different parts of galaxies. I set them in motion, plant the seed, lay the foundation. Don’t’ forget you’re a trial run. Someday, I’ll perfect a creation that comprehends, and they won’t need me as an artifice or reality.  Whichever you prefer.

- How did you become a creator?

- I’ve lived a long time. That's all I'll say about it. By the way, learn, if there’s one thing I hate more than people killing for me, it’s ignorance. I didn’t set in motion dummies; I set in motion sentient beings. Not semi. Do your job, I’ll do mine.

- Should I pass this along?

- Did you learn anything from this conversation?

- I thought so?

- Why don’t you listen more, learn more, and live by your values instead of pushing them on others?

- Uh. I’ll try.

- Put the time in and get it done. Medamn.

- Yes, God.

- Anyway I have to go.

- It was nice to meet you God.

- You too.

-Can I call again?

-Sure. Why not? I’m not making galaxies and shit. 

- Oh.

- Besides, I’ll see you in five years.

- That’s not…

A dial tone buzzed in my ear.


- A. W. Fentress