Lardy Lass

         The brass bell filled the din with a piercing shriek each time the old drift wood door opened. I had grown accustomed to the sound fervently shaking my eardrums; concussively beating its shrill rhythm against the backdrop of tepid sounds. Schmoozers and beer hounds. Perched upon my sticky red seat, my head filling with fumes, lackadaisically sipping a light beer whilst fantasizing about my prey, I slipped into a soft alcoholics dream. The bell boomed, lifting my barroom coma; I turned as she waddled through the door, turning sideways to wedge herself through. She slithered over to the bar- an elephant dancing across the Sahara- plopping herself down upon two seats to my left. My gaze drifted towards her imminent presence; a soft, barely distinguishable beige covered her plump face¬– pouty lips, a stunning brow of arching hairs weaving above her eyes, a smashed tomato nose, curly black hair peaking from her lip, ironed straight hair down her back, rolling hills of audible curves, down to her plump and sagging rear. I gulped down the rest of my now warm light beer, sputtering as I went in for the kill. I bantered with her, laying down the best moves I could muster, there was after all too much chatter here, so why didn’t we just move to someplace more…She picked me up and thrust me through the door. In her excitement she walked forward, rather than sideways, through the little crevice. After a few moments of partial panic, and partial arousal, she burst forth, a cascade of rolls. I opened her car door as she beeped her way in, adjusting this way and that way, a big bell of flesh. I floated to the other side, started the car, and raced to my dingy apartment. I jumped from the car, raced to her side, opened the door, ran back to the drivers, closed the door behind me, put all the force of my back and steel framing into freeing her this trap, and after a few unsuccessful moments of beating my now devoured feet into her lower (?) back, freed her with a squelching pop.  I mashed the elevator button but she insisted we hike the twelve floors.  Several wheezing, and coughing fits later, we arrived at my apartment door. She stepped sideways, and a small shove overcame inertia. I directed her to the couch, poured her a goblet of wine and then I sat on the littlest peaking of couch. She drained the wine in one voluminous gulp; voraciously she stripped while I ripped my scraps of cloth. I pounced.  Her heaving bosom threw me to the floor; I crawled through the dimpled skin mass wading through her rotund body, a sea of rollicking corpuscles quivering with delight and gravity. I dove for her buried treasures, a spelunker in a vast cavern fighting off vertigo and oxygen deprivation to sample her sweet nectar. She rumbled, an earthquake of volume shook me back and forth, a writhing bell of pleasure. After we had our fill, I lay, covering myself with her fleshy blankets and slept, deathlike, until my alarm bell clanged hours later signaling that a night of rapture was ended. I extricated myself from her warmth and proceeded to the shower to cleanse me of my labors, but when I returned to the couch, she was gone. Devastated, I clambered to the window searching for my lardy lass; I could not spot her voluptuous vacillating. 

I never saw my buxomed beauty again.

- A. W. Fentress